The Mister started to try to split it in half as per the instructions given, but succeeded only in dulling our sharpest kitchen knife. So we did what any pansy-assed, lily-livered city slickers who didn't know our crab's ass from its elbow would do:
We youtubed it. (You have to watch this. It's the least enthusiastic instruction video ever.)
Following our nasal young instructor's method step-by-step, we (well, I say we) dissected the primeval, alien creature, bit by bit. We had to keep stopping to rinse it, because it was pretty horrible and all covered in brown goop.
I documented the Mister's disgust, mild nausea, and sheer incredulity with great interest.
Eventually we got the hang of getting the meat out, using our ill-equipped kitchen implements such as chopsticks, knives, and our garlic crushers. After an hour of hard toil, we ended up with this much meat.
It did make a lovely crab linguine, though. But your bin doesn't half stink the next day.